I was feeling anger at my grandfather today. He was a very toxic grandfather and from the age 7 in my childhood he hurted me  emotionally. He was pretty toxic person overall but I was a kid then who already lived without a father and of course it affected me. All the family considered him to be a great person (in terms of achivieng a lot not being very kind) and noone ever shamed him for these behaviours and being so not loving to a little girl. He continued these behaviours for years and still continues. I just don't speak to him anymore. Funny thing that I was not alowed to speak for myself and I never told him how he affected me.
As a result I was always expecting people to have a bad attitude to me and guess what eventually it became bad and I appeared in my comfort zone of being unloved and rejected.
And then I felt ok.
I didn't realize it for many years until I tried to untie this knot and realize what has lead to everything.
I tried to forgive him so many times and let go and I send him forgiveness and blessing but something always remains.
P.S. While I'm writing this the swallows fly behind the window and asking me :" What's your issue? Look how beautiful the sky is tonight, fly with us"
I wish I could..I wish I could...