It is so mesmerizing to hear the nightingales and the titmouses sing at night. Such a gentle and delicate chorus.There is so much purity and eternal joy in these sounds. What a blessing  it is to listen to the songs of the tiny singer sitting at the  branch of the tree in the darkness of the night. What a remedy for a troubled spirit.

I was feeling anger at my grandfather today. He was a very toxic grandfather and from the age 7 in my childhood he hurted me  emotionally. He was pretty toxic person overall but I was a kid then who already lived without a father and of course it affected me. All the family considered him to be a great person (in terms of achivieng a lot not being very kind) and noone ever shamed him for these behaviours and being so not loving to a little girl. He continued these behaviours for years and still continues. I just don't speak to him anymore. Funny thing that I was not alowed to speak for myself and I never told him how he affected me.
As a result I was always expecting people to have a bad attitude to me and guess what eventually it became bad and I appeared in my comfort zone of being unloved and rejected.
And then I felt ok.
I didn't realize it for many years until I tried to untie this knot and realize what has lead to everything.
I tried to forgive him so many times and let go and I send him forgiveness and blessing but something always remains.
P.S. While I'm writing this the swallows fly behind the window and asking me :" What's your issue? Look how beautiful the sky is tonight, fly with us"
I wish I could..I wish I could...

Average human consists of 65 % water but I consist of 90 % trauma today.

 

                                                                            I felt my feelings today. I personally hate to feel my feelings. If I would feel al the feelings I was supposed to feel these 8 years I wouldn't  have any moment of enjoying simple things like the sun in the skies. If the sun in all its magnificence can be simple. Sometimes emotions can be different and dark and it is hard to allow yourself to feel them or even  face them. "I'm a good person". Like there is someone who will give you grades how good person you are.