Within Temptation - The Last Dance

I'm so sorry that  I betrayed you- the only pure light in my life.
It cost me all of these efforts but you still were lost almost everyone.
I did not help and did not save you.
Forgive me.
Maybe it is the time for farewell...

Solar Fields - Sol (Remix) (Remastered) [GREEN]

We will never be together. I can't get out of this.
This feeling just was not supposed to be born in my heart. But it came into being so late, too late... Like tulips to bloom in the snow on a frosty day. Their fate is to wither under the blue icy sky and cold sun beams. There will be other flowers in the spring... bright, joyous, tender...
Farewell...

How I wish I could leave you not for the black abyss but for a new life...

I wish I could breathe scent of the river water now, behold the moonlight, shine of distant stars, see your eyes in this eternal picture. You are my beautiful dream, my ascent to heaven, my salvation, my forgiveness. You're all I got left. I love you so. How I wish I could embrace you. There is nothing more precious for me in the whole universe...

"Dreams" by Langston Hughes

Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.
Hold fast to dreams
For when dreams go
Life is a barren field
Frozen with snow.

“That's the thing with handmade items. They still have the person's mark on them, and when you hold them, you feel less alone.”

--Aimee Bender, The Color Master

“I do not see you as you really are, Joseph; I see you through my affection for you.”
― Willa Cather, Death Comes for the Archbishop

It was supposed to be a funny picture but now it's only an occasion to use up the acrylic yarn, I have lots of it.

"The only way a woman can ever reform a man is by boring him so completely that he loses all possible interest in life."
--Lord Henry from The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde

Every day I wait for the moment, when I can crawl to the bed, close my eyes and feel nothing. I can't even see you in my dreams, only murky pictures or your name spoken in the distance. Maybe I should dream to embrace you in my dream?

If I'd met you before that March day that destroyed me, still you would never love me. In any case, it's too late now to guess. I don't deserve your love. Whom did I save eventually, whom did I help? I think it all turned out to be the opposite. If I wasn't there, they would have lived. No matter how hard I tried.  And now the death of an innocent creature before my eyes...Just a crunch, just a sound, just a moment...

That's good, you're not with me, and never will be. They never give medals and Princes Charming for suffering and even compassion is not guaranteed. I am not worthy of you,  there is no single good feature in me. That March extinguished all the light inside of me. Misery does not ennoble, it only disfigures. My soul is torn into pieces, you would never like it...Dead soul, dead heart, stillborn feeling to you ... And I'm still here, dwelling in despair, pain, horror, humiliation. I'm walking my way to hell, if I was handed a prescription there. You would never  be able to remove the black spot from my soul. We'll never be together and it's a blessing to you. 

  

I'm so hurt, he was not supposed to perish...                              

I saw you in a sleep. Misty valleys of dreams...I was sad and hurt even there... If only the chain could fall off my feet... I'd run to you, and there would be nothing in this world able to stop me...I already had my bowl of despair, pain, suffering, hopelessness, contempt and fear. I already had my cup of poison...

All my life is destroyed, all that I loved is dead or lost its value...
I have not acquired a new life and personality...
Miracles never happen, at least to me...Second chance to live and love cannot be given...
Was there a first one?
I'm just slowly drowning in a quagmire...And I can't escape...

“It occurs to me that we allow ourselves to imagine only such messages as we need to survive.”
― Joan Didion, The Year of Magical Thinking

 “I like the dark part of the night, after midnight and before four-thirty, when it's hollow, when ceilings are harder and farther away. Then I can breathe, and can think while others are sleeping, in a way can stop time....”
-- Dave Eggers, A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius

I can listen to Alexi even with the sound turned off :D

“Whatever condition we are in, we must always do what we want to do, and if we want to go on a journey, then we must do so and not worry about our condition, even if it's the worst possible condition, because, if it is, we're finished anyway, whether we go on the journey or not, and it's better to die having made the journey we're been longing for than to be stifled by our longing.”
--Thomas Bernhard, Concrete

You made up yor mind to destroy me, to break me into hundreds of small splinters, like a clay jug.  And you did it. I can no longer fight, the forces of light abandoned me long ago. I wish I could run away from you, fly in the wind with autumn leaves and gray herons and never recall of you, erase every  memory. I no longer need this burden. I wish I could see the dawn with new eyes, cry and not to remember of what, laugh as if there were no dark days, smile with the light that you were killing in me and  keep killing it even now, when I am bleeding in the dungeon built by you. Maybe you were not a builder, you just turned the deadbolt behind my back and have imprisoned me forever.
How I hate you... I must forgive you, but heavenly light gave me up and I can only cry out for vengeance. I wish your pride could crack once as a vessel which kept my soul that you broke.  I can not escape. I am obediently drinking poison, you are handing to me. I do not see the sunrise, only cold stone vaults, my heart dies, the birds do not come flying after me...

Kill the bird in the cage - let her fly to the sky...
I'm already past...

“One word
Frees us of all the weight and pain of life:
That word is love.”
 Sophocles

Graveworm - Nocturnal Hymns

I'm turning into an ice statue...All grievances, anger, rage, disappointment, helpless tears are like arrow of ice impaling my heart,  blue ice cover on my body ...I give up...
To freeze and not to feel the pain anymore...

Every single word of yours is pure poison.

Why can't I change anything? To ascend to the stars in a sleep and beg  for forgiveness and then to return to my tired body and go by the autumn grass with scattered on it golden aspen leaves... I would walk for eternity, if at the end of the road you would be waiting for me...If I finally could cry tears of joy at your shoulder, if I would forget everything and the darkness around me would dissipate in the sunlight... If I would say goodbye to those before whom I am to blame...I know they would never want me to suffer, even if suffered themselves...They would let me go, would bless me... But we are just the grains of sand that wind blows from the hands of fate... In heaven there is no mercy for us...

Graveworm - Ceremonial Requiem

Should I think about you?
You're happy and I have to let you go out of my heart, no matter how painful it is...No one else should be miserable, just because I got the short straw and  was undeservedly punished. At least I believe it was undeserved. Feeling to you only completes the destruction. I have nothing left - nothing but ashes of memories, lifeless fragments of all warm feelings and pain, pain, pain and hopelessness ...
I can't find peace even in dreams ...
I have to accept my fate and fade away in the night...

Betray My Secrets - Forgive them

"Like dew that vanishes
like a phantom that disappears
or the light cast
by a flash of lighting
so should one think of oneself"
~Ikkyu Sojun, 1394 - 1481

One more red embroidery.

Red is associated with fiery heat and warmth. It can also mean danger (burning).
Red is the color of blood, and as such has strong symbolism as life and vitality. It brings focus to the essence of life and living with emphasis on survival. Red is also the color of passion and lust.
(http://crystal-cure.com/red.html)
Somehow I am not surprised that I choose red floss and "red charts", subconsciously probably...:) :(

So calling upon life, love and new life...

Hypocrisy - Fractured Millenium

I should be grateful to these black arrows, tearing up my flesh and soul, they are saving me from greater pain, from the flames of hell...

Maybe you're just an illusion, a mirage in the desert before the dying traveler's mind? Maybe I would felt the only deep disappointment in you and in myself as I have lost my way and heart...But it was never because of you...Scorching sun is killing me... Maybe you're not an angel, but a mere shadow of a hungry vulture and you have come to take my soul? And I mistook the shadow of your wings with the shadow of angel wings? I'll never know...