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an oak who dreamed to become a pine tree

I can't get rid of an ugly ignoble emotion. No matter how hard I try it still comes back and keeps poisoning my heart. Oh my God whom am I turning into? I can't control my feelings.  No one should be unhappy because I'm unhappy, miserable and hurt, no one should be less happy.  I need light so much.

  I'm chasing a shadow, a beautiful pale shadow. Sometimes I hear its whisper in the rustling of the pine branches in the cold wind, I see a reflection of a beautiful face in the clear depths of the lake, in the sapphirine skies I see the blue of its eyes, in chirping of the swallows I hear its laugh and then hope comes to life in my heart, in the heart that is so tired of suffering. For an instant a wonderful dream revives, flashes before my eyes until a bird flies through the sky and I can hear the noise of its wings flapping, until a white cloud sails in the dark blueness of the night, until  the dew drops are spilled on the velvet grass, until the icy stars shine, until a lulling whisper of the forest conjures up a beckoning warm misty dream. Then one part of my being sleeps tight, not knowing of grief, and another one - cheerful, joyful, filled with love wakes up for a short while. But then a dream ends and the familiar dark, laughing at my grief, scoffing, choking with laughter shadows surround me.  And a bird flies away, a white cloud disappears without a trace in the celestial ether, a star hides on the edge of the skies and there is no hope left.