I've finally lost the opportunity to visit my sacred place, the place of the heart.  I came to this place for so many years, almost for my whole life and now all is over. I can hardly breathe with grief.  My heart stays there forever. My heart is buried there...

So this venomous sharing of feelings ended.
Sometimes I feel tempted to go back to it as dog to its vomit, but not as much as before. But I keep feeling myself as a donor of vigor and vitality too often, while I have so little of it.  It's so difficult to fall in healing dreams for a while and to maintain the weak  flame of faith in a good outcome.  It's like a black wing blows out this twinkle.
Too grandiose dreams, too bright and joyful. Too late I realized that I deserved it all, deserved as all the other people do. But I looked at myself through the distorting mirror for so many years. Lots of sharp splinters of that mirror still remain within me.
And I don't wish, I can no longer be chained to you. Except of pain, poison and despair nothing unites us. I still need a second chance to break out of this cage, spread my wings, fly up into the sky. There was good in me before a black tide dragged me into the abyss.
Please open the cage.

...but I can't

-

The things I wrote below were the smallest my problem. Don't know what  I was thinking about. I was so silly to have some hopes, to believe in something. I'll never break free. My life ended. I don't have even one chance in a million to be happy, to smile, to breathe, to live.
Even if the nightmare would be over (that can't happen) behind my back there would be always standing black shadows of suffering with their ugly grimaces and malevolent laughter.
I'll never escape from the black shadow.

:D

  I don't know what caused my weakness. Maybe this weakness existed forever or maybe my misery made me like this. I keep sharing my soul and feelings with the one who pulls me into darkness, who does not wish me well, who stabs me with sharp poisonous pins. It's like I enter a black cloud of endless accusations every time. Every little thing, even the most innocent human emotion is being turned into something quite different. I'm suffocating in this cloud, I feel that I betray my own being, myself. And I don't try to escape from  these virulent fumes. In comparison with everything else it's only a small thing and doesn't change anything, but I'm choking with those black clubs of  venomous thoughts and feelings covering me, with my own hands I cut the weak shoots of hope and faith (even though ungrounded) in my heart.
Most likely along with so much else it doesn't matter anymore.
But something inside me warns.

So a year has gone. It was a difficult and painful year for me...
No matter what, despite the obvious, I still hope for a happy ending of my story, hope the higher forces will have mercy on me, I still dream to break free, to become a different person, to leave all the pain and despair in the past, to find true love, to become a mom...
Just because I am a human being and I suffered and I need this healing ray of love, light, peace and forgiveness so much...
And even if it will never come true I had these precious minutes when I believed in it...

Graveworm - Abandoned By Heaven

"Life is easier than you'd think; all that is necessary is to accept the impossible, do without the indispensable, and bear the intolerable."
Kathleen Norris

Despair fills my soul...and fear... and I waste time... I'm afraid I'll never see a blue sky above my head the way I did so long ago...A blue sky and a birch grove nearby...A blue sky and pine branches above the small fringe where I came to cry everyday... Even then I sensed more life in me and my forest was comforting me... I still believed then that the nightmare will be over soon and I'll be fine and I'll run away and get a new wonderful life, free of past mistakes and all the bad feelings. Didn't I understand then that it could end only with my life's ending?

Anathema - Lost control

Also one of mу favorite bands back in the days...

In the movie I have heard the birds singing, as they sing at dawn in the summer.                           In vain I hope that someday they will sound the same for me, as in those early calm days.  I remember the chanting of the nightingale above the dark sleeping river, on the branch of the slumbering willow, in the glow of the sapphire night sky, at the place where my heart lived, that has become a part of me, where my already broken to pieces soul could find sanctuary and a short rest. But the place, a nightingale, a branch of a tree, a human heart ... there is no fairness in this life.

Funny and sad.

 Today is a religious holiday but I totally forgot of it, though I have heard of it just a few hours ago. So rare I listen to Dimmu Borgir nowadays but something made me listen to it exactly today. What guides us? It is a very small thing but still revealing.

Dimmu Borgir - In Death's Embrace

 To what shall I compare this life of ours?
         Even before I can say
         it is like a lightning flash or a dewdrop
         it is no more.

                           -    Sengai

Hypocrisy - The Final Chapter

Graveworm- When The Sky Turns Black with lyrics

Stand alone in the night

Sorrow in your mind

Tears in your eyes

Destroy your inner faith

Faces of death before your mind

Insanity for all the time

God will cry for your soul

Your heart is seeing black

Heaven of love is waiting you

Let us fly to the sky

End of life for every soul

All the same...

The river

The river again

-

All I can try to do...

“I loved you madly; in the distasteful work of the day, in the wakeful misery of the night, girded by sordid realities, or wandering through Paradises and Hells of visions into which I rushed, carrying your image in my arms, I loved you madly.”

Charles Dickens, The Mystery of Edwin Drood

"Until the whole world is free to agree with you or disagree with you, until you have given the freedom to everyone to like you or not like you, to love you or hate you, to see things as you see them, or to see things differently - until you have given the whole world its freedom - you'll never have your freedom"
~ Adyashanti

Evening walk...

I wish...