The things I wrote below were the smallest my problem. Don't know what  I was thinking about. I was so silly to have some hopes, to believe in something. I'll never break free. My life ended. I don't have even one chance in a million to be happy, to smile, to breathe, to live.
Even if the nightmare would be over (that can't happen) behind my back there would be always standing black shadows of suffering with their ugly grimaces and malevolent laughter.
I'll never escape from the black shadow.