I've finally lost the opportunity to visit my sacred place, the place of the heart.  I came to this place for so many years, almost for my whole life and now all is over. I can hardly breathe with grief.  My heart stays there forever. My heart is buried there...

So this venomous sharing of feelings ended.
Sometimes I feel tempted to go back to it as dog to its vomit, but not as much as before. But I keep feeling myself as a donor of vigor and vitality too often, while I have so little of it.  It's so difficult to fall in healing dreams for a while and to maintain the weak  flame of faith in a good outcome.  It's like a black wing blows out this twinkle.
Too grandiose dreams, too bright and joyful. Too late I realized that I deserved it all, deserved as all the other people do. But I looked at myself through the distorting mirror for so many years. Lots of sharp splinters of that mirror still remain within me.
And I don't wish, I can no longer be chained to you. Except of pain, poison and despair nothing unites us. I still need a second chance to break out of this cage, spread my wings, fly up into the sky. There was good in me before a black tide dragged me into the abyss.
Please open the cage.

...but I can't

-

The things I wrote below were the smallest my problem. Don't know what  I was thinking about. I was so silly to have some hopes, to believe in something. I'll never break free. My life ended. I don't have even one chance in a million to be happy, to smile, to breathe, to live.
Even if the nightmare would be over (that can't happen) behind my back there would be always standing black shadows of suffering with their ugly grimaces and malevolent laughter.
I'll never escape from the black shadow.

:D

  I don't know what caused my weakness. Maybe this weakness existed forever or maybe my misery made me like this. I keep sharing my soul and feelings with the one who pulls me into darkness, who does not wish me well, who stabs me with sharp poisonous pins. It's like I enter a black cloud of endless accusations every time. Every little thing, even the most innocent human emotion is being turned into something quite different. I'm suffocating in this cloud, I feel that I betray my own being, myself. And I don't try to escape from  these virulent fumes. In comparison with everything else it's only a small thing and doesn't change anything, but I'm choking with those black clubs of  venomous thoughts and feelings covering me, with my own hands I cut the weak shoots of hope and faith (even though ungrounded) in my heart.
Most likely along with so much else it doesn't matter anymore.
But something inside me warns.

So a year has gone. It was a difficult and painful year for me...
No matter what, despite the obvious, I still hope for a happy ending of my story, hope the higher forces will have mercy on me, I still dream to break free, to become a different person, to leave all the pain and despair in the past, to find true love, to become a mom...
Just because I am a human being and I suffered and I need this healing ray of love, light, peace and forgiveness so much...
And even if it will never come true I had these precious minutes when I believed in it...