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an oak who dreamed to become a pine tree

I can't get rid of an ugly ignoble emotion. No matter how hard I try it still comes back and keeps poisoning my heart. Oh my God whom am I turning into? I can't control my feelings.  No one should be unhappy because I'm unhappy, miserable and hurt, no one should be less happy.  I need light so much.

  I'm chasing a shadow, a beautiful pale shadow. Sometimes I hear its whisper in the rustling of the pine branches in the cold wind, I see a reflection of a beautiful face in the clear depths of the lake, in the sapphirine skies I see the blue of its eyes, in chirping of the swallows I hear its laugh and then hope comes to life in my heart, in the heart that is so tired of suffering. For an instant a wonderful dream revives, flashes before my eyes until a bird flies through the sky and I can hear the noise of its wings flapping, until a white cloud sails in the dark blueness of the night, until  the dew drops are spilled on the velvet grass, until the icy stars shine, until a lulling whisper of the forest conjures up a beckoning warm misty dream. Then one part of my being sleeps tight, not knowing of grief, and another one - cheerful, joyful, filled with love wakes up for a short while. But then a dream ends and the familiar dark, laughing at my grief, scoffing, choking with laughter shadows surround me.  And a bird flies away, a white cloud disappears without a trace in the celestial ether, a star hides on the edge of the skies and there is no hope left.

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It's weird but my pain still lives. I saw a dream last night I believe it was a prophetic dream and I remembered...
Tonight I'm not deceiving myself - I'm crying about you, I'm crying about my destiny, I'm crying about the things that were not meant to be. I wish I could cry out to the skies asking "why"? I'm crying about you, even though you were just an illusion for me, even though only my aching heart that burns bright in the night is alive and real. Can you see its glow in the darkness?

Somehow I have to erase this picture, this pain from my being and keep fighting with my own shadows, my suffocating ghosts and  with my external enemy who is always here whenever I am weakened.

I'm so sorry.

I just saw a homeless dog being killed by a car. It's a usual thing but I still see that picture before my eyes and as usual such things start blowing of the deadly destructive wind within my soul, it is always there anyway, I'm just trying to put it to sleep for a while.

Subway Bridge